I remember the semester that I decided I wanted to go to medical school. I was an engineering major, and the thought kept coming again and again to study medicine. It was an attractive idea, and had always been since the time I was a 5 year old kid (until the interest in engineering sidetracked me during junior year of high school). One of the engineering courses that I had recently taken was ergonomics, designing machines and interfaces to fit the human body and psychology, and it was an enjoyable course. But the idea that came to me over and over again was, wouldn't it be much more interesting and fun to actually study the human body instead?
And so for weeks, the idea turned over and over in my head. There were many thoughts that were of a discouraging nature, "You're not smart enough." "It's too late. You've already declared your major as engineering." "The competition to get into medical school is so high." And on and on. But through serendipity, there was a day long course held on campus about applying to medical school giving advice to students who were considering becoming physicians. While attending, I met another student who was very optimistic and encouraging. We discussed our interests in medical school and found in each other positive camaraderie. The course gave me a starting point of what to expect in the application process, and meeting the other student gave me hope. Also, by good fortune, I found a book in the bookstore that really cemented the idea that there was a chance that someone like me could be accepted into medical school. It talked about strategies for applying and gave useful bits of information regarding pre-med requirements and even had sample application essays. Probably one of the most useful aspects of the book were the examples of several students who had made it into medical school under various situations. I carried that book everywhere, and highlighted sentences that gave me inspiration, and read it over and over.
When I look back, it seems so logical and easy, as if step by step, each decision led to another decision, and each action led to another action, all culminating into the final logical conclusion of being accepted and matriculating into medical school. But, when I dig a little deeper, it was actually pretty scary. There was no real guarantee that I would be accepted after taking another year to fulfill the med school prerequisites and another year after that to complete the application process. There was no guarantee of doing well in the pre-med courses or MCAT examination to garner any interviews. There was no guarantee that all of this time spent studying and applying would lead any closer to becoming a doctor. Sure, the engineering degree was a possible "back-up". But, it wasn't a true viable option because what I really desired was to become a doctor and nothing less. However, once that decision was made, although in my heart it was right, it definitely felt like stepping into a huge black hole. There was no way to see ahead, no way to have sure footing, no way to know that the dreams could be fulfilled. There were no guarantees whatsoever. It was terrifying at times, especially the not knowing. But, it was also exciting because the classes were enjoyable and interesting, and leading me to my dreams!
Some of the hardest times were when I knew what needed to be done, but fear and worry momentarily stopped me from moving forward. It reminds me of the first (and last!) time I ever went indoor rock wall climbing. I'm scared of heights, but tried it anyway, and happy to say I made it to the top! One of the significant keys of that success was the instructor, and what he had said. There was a point where I was three-quarters of the way up the wall. The top of the wall was in sight, and possible to attain. The ground was a long way down though, and also very easy to attain in one small slip. My friends called to me, "Don't look down!" I was scared. Frozen. There was no definite new foothold or hand hold, and I was stuck. The instructor yelled to me, "Step up! Just step up!" And through the calm authoritative confidence in his voice, I was able to realize that he was right, and all I had to do at that point was take the one leg that was bent and positioned on a foothold, and put my weight on it and step up higher. Using his advice and my friends' advice, the climb to the top was successfully accomplished.
And so it was also that way in applying to med school. Times where ruminating over the unknown future, the possibility for failure or rejection, etc etc left me frozen and paralyzed. But then something or someone or even myself would analogously yell, "Just step up!" and it would be enough to help me take the next action, fill out the form, keep studying, request the recommendation, etc. I'm very grateful to the people who knowingly or unknowingly did this because applying to medical school was a daunting task, at least for me. And it seemed like a huge risk because it was a big dream to pursue. So, what I would like to share with those of you that are pursuing a dream is this: if you run into a snag, or start to get anxious, take a deep breath, and take a step forward, even if it is a little one. Make that phone call, fill out that section of the application, inquire about that class.. You might feel as though you are in a dark room because you can't see necessarily where it will lead, and you may question what use is it to make even the tiniest of steps forward, but be persistent. Soon those little steps will add up and lead you into the light of day where you can reach your goals and dreams. And then when you look back it will seem to you that everything had a logical step and a reason, and then you will be encouragement to others on their path to their dreams.
Please feel free to share any stories you might have of accomplishing "impossible" dreams.
OMNIA VINCIT AMOR
amara
© 2010 amara/aag musings of a trauma rad
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